Chicago--Part 12.

I spent that night in Lincoln Park.  There’s a shelter not too far north of Addison St.  It’s just off the lake and completely infested with raccoon.  Raccoon is the plural of raccoon, I thought as I saw at least five sets of eyes, glowing with the reflected light of Chicago.  So, one raccoon can eat ten raccoon, and the grammar police have no trouble with it.  The glow never left their eyes as they followed my faltering footsteps to the shelter. As I sat, the night’s darkness seemed absolute on the lake.  I looked out and could see the infinite nothing, or was it something?  Maybe it was both.  Maybe something is just the plural of nothing.  It sounds deep, I thought, but it’s probably just my brain waking up for the first time in a month.  Had it been a month?  Had it been a year? 

I felt my face flush as I get angry, but I try to temper it.  No one forced me to stay there.  No one told me I had to keep living my life that way.  I could have left at any time.  Without money and clothes, I guess.  But I could’ve left.  It’s not enough to stop my anger though.  I felt it flood over me, mixed with more than a little bit of shame. 

“I gave up.”  I said to any of the raccoon who may be close enough to hear. 

Spending a night in a park about thirty yards from a large metropolitan is probably not many people’s idea of roughing it in untamed nature, but that is as close as I’ve come to having to make due for myself in the wild.  I was lucky that no one, especially the police came around, because I’m pretty sure it’s discouraged for people to sleep in the park.  Not that I really got much sleep, shivering in the cool lake breeze.

            I watched the sun rise out of Lake Michigan, peering over the sandy mounts washing up against the metal barriers.  For a moment, I thought I could see land on the other side of lake.  That might have been the lack of sleep, but it seemed like time slowed down and the state of Michigan looked back at me beyond the blue waves. 

After I summoned myself back from whatever I saw, I began to move again.  The raccoon had disappeared in the night, as if they only existed in the reflected glow of Chicago’s lights and couldn’t stand the harsher sun.  I could hear the city summoning me with its din.  Cars and buses rumbled down Lake Shore Drive.  People walked down the streets in pairs chatting, or alone.  I walked past the Cubby Bear with the beer truck sitting out front. Rolling kegs rang against the pavement as the pavement rang against the kegs rolling.  A few people in blue hats were preparing themselves for another game day.  I took some pleasure in seeing a couple people in red, but I moved on quickly.

I walked quiet, sure of purpose.  Not many places would be open this early, but the grill would be. They would be starting to serve whoever showed up.

I walked past the little old shop I discovered yesterday. I walked under the bridge that asked “Why only see half?” as a train carrying suburbanites into the city for their work roared over my head. I stalked down to Roscoe and came to the grill.

I calmly opened the door and walked back to the griddle where she stood. She turned and I could tell everyone had expected me this morning. I felt my calm shatter.

“No one let me in last night.” It was all I could think to say.  Never let it be said I am not prepared for a big moment.

“Leopold.” Candice’s voice spoke hollowly. Her eyes darted over my shoulder, and I turned with a good guess who might be there.

“Leopold.” Solomon’s voice was crisp and clear. His hands stayed at his side. Paul and Stephen stood behind him, arms crossed.

“Solomon, quite the show of force you’ve got here.” I nodded at Paul and Stephen who did not react.

He turned to see Paul and Stephen and turning back to me said, “What is it you would like?”

 I lowered my head. “I told you I didn’t want to go. I knocked on the gate and doors for hours last night trying to get back in. But I’m not welcome?”

“You are welcome.  Everyone is welcome here, provided they abide by the rules.  And I can look at you now and see that you are not here to abide by the rules.” He stepped aside and gestured toward the door. “Let’s be civil about this.”

“Civil is not what I’m good at.” Sometimes I try to say something clever, and it’s just pure cheese. What can you do?

“Be that as it may.” He gestured again.

“See, what I’m wondering about is, when I came here. You took my clothes. You took my underwear and my shirt. I think I was wearing a hat, I can’t quite remember. But you took that too. You took everything from me.”

“You gave those items to us. They were a condition of your being here.”  He shot a glance over his shoulder to Paul, who left the room.

“You took my wallet.” Solomon’s arm fell just a little before he caught himself. The smile never faded from his face. “I want it back.  But I’m betting it’s gone.  I’m betting you’ve used all the cash, well, there wasn’t that much cash, but I’m betting it’s gone.  And I’m betting my credit cards have helped buy you the nice meals you have while we eat the crap you put in front of us.”

“Don’t you dare disrespect Solomon.”  Stephen grabbed my left arm, and I pivoted, pushed my hip into him and flipped him over my body and onto the floor with a thud. He groaned.

I stood up quickly to ready myself for Paul or Solomon or anyone else, but everyone seemed to take a step back.  Their faces all seemed taken aback.  Except for Candice.  Her face was unreadable to me.  I looked at her eyes, but they stared at the floor by my feet.

“There was no need for that Leopold.”  Solomon’s words seemed to wobble in the air for a second.

“Very rude gentlemen. Very rude.” I brushed myself off. “Now, we were talking about how you stole from me.” I took a deep breath. “My friend, the one in here yesterday is an attorney, and a good one. So, here’s what’s going to happen. You are going to give me money. I will use this money to put gas in my car, or more likely buy a bus ticket back to Des Moines when I find out you sold that too. You will let anyone and everyone else leave.”

“Or else what? You will sue us?” Solomon’s smile was steady and bemused.

“You don’t want my or else.” I said, very smoothly if I do say so myself.

At this point, Paul came back into the room and stopped short, seeing Stephen still lying on the floor.  Seeing Paul’s return, Solomon continued.  “I am certainly quaking with trepidation. Everyone here is free to leave. They always have been.” He stepped aside, gesturing toward the door again and spoke loudly. “Please, anyone who feels wronged or like they do not belong, know you can leave with my understanding and blessing.  But before you do, I would like to clear up one thing.”  Solomon motioned to Paul, who strode forward and handed a bag to Solomon.  Solomon opened the bag and turned it over.  Spilling out came my clothes, my hat, and lastly my wallet. 

I didn’t move.  I stared.

“These,” Solomon said with a sweep of his arm, “are your things.  You’ll find that nothing is gone.”

I stepped forward, leaned and picked up my things.

“Please count your money.  If you are missing even a penny I will make sure it is returned to you.”  His voice was beaming. 

I stood still for a second.

“He treats you like slave labor. Look how he’s dressed. Look how Paul’s dressed. They don’t eat gruel with us. They live a life of luxury, and they do it by over-charging for pancakes and stealing from you.” Still no one moved. I turned toward Candice.

“Come on. You’re not happy here are you?”  I put my hands on her shoulders, but she shrugged away from me.

Her voice was calm and clear. “I don’t need you to rescue me.”

“I’m not. I just.” I tried to smile calmly. “Someone needs to rescue you.”

“I don’t know about that. Maybe. But not you. And not now.”

“So you’re all just going to stay here? In this haze of semi-living? You’re done trying? You’ve all given up?” I started to back toward the kitchen door. “None of you?” I almost whispered.

“We will thank you to never cross our door step again.” Solomon said as I pushed the kitchen door open. I watched the door swoosh shut as I came into the service area.

“I quit.” I said loudly enough so that all eyes in the dining room were on me. “I cannot work around all those mice and roaches!”

I am petty, even when I am an idiot.

Chicago--Part 11

Clarence sat quietly in his chair, but I could see his mind chugging away.  He was weighing whether to yell and cajole me into agreeing with him against hearing my reasoning and taking them down point by point.  It’s not often a person is told their best friend has decided to stay with the cult they’ve just been rescued from.

            “Why?”  His voice was gruff.  He was trying to be nice, but he did not feel it. 

            “Big man,” I said, hoping the use of his nickname would buy me some good will.  “I should not have joined this cult.  I know that.  And I appreciate this rescue mission.  But I have to get myself out of whatever I stepped in.” I paused. “And there’s something I need to do before I go.”

            Clarence had no visible reaction and we sat quietly through most of the first inning. 

Matt Morris, long my favorite Cardinal pitcher, had a tough time in the first giving up four runs.  “They can’t afford to have him give a short outing,” Clarence said to me after Morris got the third out.  “The rest of the rotation has been struggling, and the bullpen has picked up the slack.”  His searching eyes turned to me.  “And Cubs are gonna knock him out by the third inning.” 

            I smiled slyly at him.  “I would not bet against Matty Mo.”

            “I don’t like you going back there.  But I understand if that’s what you want to do.”  He paused.  “If you’re not back in a month, though, I’m going to come at that place with any and all dirt I can dig up.  I mean it.  I will wipe it off the map.”

            “I think I’ll be back within a week.”  I said as people two rows over from us started yelling and heckling the big Cardinals slugger.  They shouted his name and talked about his wife, his mother, and everyone else. Typical day in the friendly confines of Wrigley field, I thought to myself.  Albert Pujols looked over at them and smiled before turning back to his practice swings. 

            “So.  You have something?” 

            I let the question hang in the air as the inning started and Pujols walked to the plate.  Finally, I said, “Yeah.  I definitely do.”

            “What?”  He asked as the first pitch sailed by Pujols. 

            “That would ruin the fun,” I said as the pitcher set himself for the second pitch.  As his arm came over his shoulder, the world slowed down and seconds before it happened, I knew.  I knew as the pitcher released the ball that this was going to be something amazing.  The ball sailed against its green backdrop for a minute and I turned my head to watch Albert Pujols begin his swing.  The bat came slowly and powerfully from behind his head toward the ball, which seemed to be bracing itself for the unavoidable.  With an ear-shattering, crispness, the bat announced contact and the ball suddenly changed direction.  It hung in the blue for ages before disappearing beyond the walls of the park onto Waveland Avenue.  When I looked down, Pujols had already rounded third base and was making his way home.  He crossed the plate and as he jogged toward the dugout, he looked back at the hecklers and put a lone finger to his mouth and smiled once again. 

            “Did you see that?” I whispered to Clarence. 

            “I definitely did.”  Clarence said with reverence.       

            Over the next seven innings, Morris set the Cubs down without much trouble.  He was a different pitcher than he had been in that one lost inning.  He would allow a hit or two here or there, but was always able to work around it.  As he strode off the mound at the end of the eighth, I stood and clapped. None of the people around me heckled me. They looked me over, dressed as I was, and thought it not worth the effort.

            Unfortunately, the Cardinals offense was not able to put together any other runs and Clarence left the game happy.  “That first inning sunk them.”  Clarence said trying to keep the smile out of his voice, but failing.  “Just could not get past it, magnificent homerun aside.”

            “I guess so.”  I said with an inward smile.  We shuffled out in the herd of thousands trying to get out of the park.  Many on their way to the nearby bars to continue the day of drinking they had begun inside.  As Clarence and I walked across Clark Street back toward Solomon’s, I smiled feeling the sun against my skin. We walked quietly for a block, until we saw a large, faded picture of Spiderman on the side of a one-story, plain building, nestled on busy Addison Street. The street was slowly becoming residential as we walked away from Clark. The street was filled with newly built condominiums surrounded by wrought-iron fences, shiny and black, guarding against the riff-raff that came to Wrigleyville.   And there in the middle of these expensive, new homes, with their small, but well-maintained lawns, stood this run-down monument. The paint was peeling from the siding, which was peeling from the building.  The dirty windows were filled with pictures of old movie stars and dusty books written decades ago.  Comic books stood in racks, looking as though they had been there, unopened and unread for at least twenty years. The man sitting behind the counter stared ahead, his glasses at the tip of his nose, his white beard unkempt and untamed. His cracked lips formed a smile, seemingly at nothing in particular.  Perhaps he was thinking of something that happened years ago—a happy memory that carried him through days where he sat in an empty store waiting for someone to come in and buy something. Or at least talk to him.

            “So…” Clarence’s voice sounded like it was coming from years ahead of me. “Are you sure you want to go back?”

            I looked into the building, and nodded.

            “Okay,” he looked at me, and then spoke pointedly. “Then I’ll see you soon.”

            “Yes. You will.” 

            He smiled and turned and began walking back toward Wrigleyville.  He sighed, and I swore I heard him say, “Always with the sense of duty.” But that was could have been my imagination.

            I walked back slowly, thinking, for the first time in a long time it seems. This didn’t have to take long. If I did it right, I could be done with all of this today, really. At least that’s what I thought before I came to the grill and tried the door.  Locked.  I knocked for what seemed like hours, but no one came. 

            It seemed this was suddenly going to take longer than I wanted.

Chicago--Part 10

Have you ever had a sudden realization about your life?  It’s hard to describe.  I could tell you that eating that food at the Four Moons Tavern was like eating beauty or some other overly ornate something.  I could tell you the music punched me in the balls or kissed the neck of my soul. But unless you’ve been confused and overwhelmed—unless you’ve been that way for a long time, and then had all the curvy lines made straight, then you won’t understand.  If you’ve won every battle or even most of the battles of your life, you don’t understand what it is to lose over and over again.  And you don’t quite understand what it does to you. After a while you stop coming to the next battle hungry and animated. After a while, every loss feels both routine and painful. Every loss trains you to move slowly, afraid that the next move will lead to more loss. You get used to the losing and you expect it, but you never really stop hating it.

            In that moment, I remembered myself before everything went wrong.  I was younger and more hopeful. I wasn’t scarred and afraid.  I wasn’t always happy, but I was moving.  I was someone I could never be now. I felt my stomach squeeze.

            “[Gumshoe]?”  I was startled to see Clarence sitting in front of me.  I had drifted away and let my mind wander in a way that I hadn’t in a long time.  “Are you alright?”

            “Yeah,” I spoke through a suddenly dry mouth.  “I hadn’t realized how much I missed music.” 

            He looked at me, showing me the same smile he shared with me for over two decades.  “I don’t think I could give music up.” 

            “Yeah.  I didn’t realize I had until now.” 

            “Alright.”  I could tell Clarence was trying to figure out what to do next.  “What do you want to do on your day out?”

            I smiled.  He had decided that he didn’t need to make his case anymore.  He had decided that I was going to decide to go with him.  He didn’t need to push me anymore.  “I don’t know.  What’s there to do in Chicago?”

            After breakfast, we walked along Roscoe until we got to came to Sheffield Avenue and made our way north to Clark Street.  As we walked through throngs of people, all dressed in blue, I realized where he was taking me. 

            “So, you’re giving me the Ferris Bueller treatment?”

            “They’re playing the Cards, you know.”  He said through.  “Matt Morris is pitching.” 

            “How are the Cardinals doing?” 

            “They’re doing well, battling for first place as usual.”

            “So your Cubs are?”

            “Be quiet.” 

            As we walked up Clark, the first thing I could see were the lights above the stadium.  Clarence had always thought putting them in was the worst thing the club had ever done.  The point of baseball wasn’t to be modern and accessible.  “The point of baseball,” I remember him saying, “was to get away from everything the world was turning into.  And there’s a price to getting away.”

            I watched as Clarence haggled for good seats, getting the price he wanted.  That was the thing about Clarence—he got what he wanted.  Always.  Sure, he lost cases and had adversities in his life, but from where I sat at his side, his trials and tribulations were always just setbacks.  He was always going to win in the end.  One way or another.  We sat down in seats about three rows from the field, just to the first base side of home plate.  I smiled at my friend.

            “These are the best seats I’ve ever had.”

            “Well, you know what they say.  When you’re trying to get your friend out of a cult…”  His smile was sly as it sat on the side of his face.  He was still measuring my reaction.  He was hoping I would tell him the good news. 

            “Clarence.  I’m staying.”  I said and watched his smile vanish.